5 - Cologne - Immortal Beloved

Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction: "Cologne: The Immortal Beloved (Installment #5)

By: Dark Phoenix (Carolyn Brickhouse)

Disclaimer: Takahashi Rumiko-sama gave anime lovers
everywhere these wonderful characters, whom I
have quite evilly decided to use in my fanfiction (*hee,
hee*). This story comes after my latest fanfiction "Her
Heart Be False." As may you know by now, all of my stories
occur after the events of manga Vol. 38. And awaaaaaay
we go! ;)

PART I: Morning Becalms Cologne-chan

        In the Nekohanten Chinese Amazon Shampoo
watched as her ancient great-grandmother Cologne stirred a
kettle.
        The purplish-blue haired maiden stared at the bubbling
pot and wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, it smells awful, Hibaa-chan,"
she commented in Mandarin in her typically high-pitched voice.
        The ancient Amazon scowled at her great-grandchild.
"It doesn't matter how it smells, child," she snapped,
hopping about on the long staff she usually carried.
"Just pray this concoction works." She pointed to a
nearby shelf. "Now hand me that bag with the last of the
ingredients we gathered while we were out of town."
        Shrugging, Shampoo complied, picking up a silk sack.
Curious, she peered into the bag and discovered that it was
full of beautiful reddish-gold feathers.
        "Ah!" the young Amazon exclaimed, her kawaii face
lighting up. "These are so beautiful! Where did you get
these?"
        The old woman chuckled. "Oh, it's just something I
came across. You'd be surprised what you can find in the
wilderness of Japan." Taking the feathers from Shampoo,
Cologne carressed them, smiling.
        "What bird did they come from?"
        Cologne gazed sharply at her granddaughter. "Why,
from a fushichou, of course. Where else?"
        "A phoenix?" Shampoo gasped. "You found a real
live phoenix while we were out?"
        "Well--not exactly, child. These feathers are
ancient. Long ago the ancestress of our tribe found such
feathers and hid them throughout Asia, and our tribal
elders have passed the secrets of their whereabouts to a
chosen few through countless generations."
        Shampoo squinted. "And _you_ were one of those
chosen?"
        "Naturally."
        Shampoo pouted. "But--why didn't you ever tell _me_
about them?"
        "Because _you_ don't need to use them. Besides,"
Cologne continued, patting her granddaughter's arm, "you
may be a formidable warrior, but there are still some
things best left to the elder and more experienced."
        The young Amazon sighed. "Whatever you say, Hibaa-chan."
        "Now, don't worry, Shampoo. These feathers will benefit
our tribe greatly," the old woman promised, dipping them into
the boiling pot. <They must.>

        "Shampoo, what must I do to get you to go out with me?"
Mousse, a young Chinese man with long black hair and coke-
bottle-lensed glasses, whined.
        <Why doesn't he take a hint?> Shampoo thought,
huffing. "Mousse, how many times must I tell you--unless you
defeat me in battle, you have no chance with me. Besides,"
she purred, smiling to herself, "I have my sights on Ranma.
I need a strong man, not an obnoxious one like you!"
        "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma!" Mousse spat, raising his
glasses to rest on top of his head and folding his
arms. "That cassanova doesn't deserve someone like you,
Shampoo! He's already got a fiancee--"
        "--and doesn't want her!" Shampoo tossed aside her
long hair, annoyed. Didn't Mousse remember what happened at
Ranma and Akane's wedding? It was a disaster. And didn't
everyone know Ranma was just playing hard to get?
        "Give up, Mousse. You know the laws of the
Joketsuzoku."
        "But they're not fair!" Exasperated, Mousse flung
himself at Shampoo. "Don't you understand how much _I_ love
you?" He sobbed. "Why are you so cold and unyielding?"
        Shampoo's irises shrunk to pinpoints. "Because that's
not me you're holding--that's the freezer!"
        "Huh?" Mousse put his glasses back on and squinted.
He blushed.
        "Ooops."
        "Aaah!" Shampoo shrieked. <And he wonders why I get
so mad at him!> "I'm going outside for a breath of fresh
air," she grumbled, walking past him. "Keep holding
the freezer if you want." She stomped out.
        Mousse sulked. "Oh sure, keep casting me aside. But
remember this--the freezer doesn't look as good as you do!"
        "Oh, I'm _sure_ you can see to tell," Shampoo mumbled
as she opened the the front door and stepped out onto the
street. It was late afternoon. Usually the Nekohanten
would be teeming with customers, but Shampoo and
Cologne had just recently returned to Nerima, so the shop
hadn't officially reopened just yet. Cologne had insisted
they go, and not daring to go against an elder's wishes,
Shampoo had obeyed, trusting completely in her great-
grandmother's wisdom.
        Still though, Shampoo had secretly wished they could
journey back to their village in China.
        <It's been a long time since we first came to Japan,>
she mused, leaning against the wall. <And in all this time I
still haven't gotten Ranma to marry me. Such a stubborn
man!> Then memories of her days in the village suddenly came
back to her, and she felt homesick. <I really miss the
village, the mountains where we lived--they were so peaceful
and beautiful. I haven't been back to China since that
ordeal with Saffron. Hmm. I wonder what Lin-Lin, Ran-Ran,
Ni Hai, Paa Fuum, and the others are up to . . . .>
        Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when she spied a
familiar approaching form. Her eyes lit up.
        "Oh, could that be my Airen?" she wondered aloud.
        Sure enough Ranma Saotome was walking up the street,
Akane Tendou following close behind.
        "How do you expect to graduate if you don't pay more
attention in class, Ranma?" Akane was saying.
        Otoko-Ranma grumbled. "Hey, it's kinda hard to
concentrate when you got half the student body asking you
out, you know!"
        "Oh god! Because of what you did at the masquerade
ball?"
        "Yeah! They're convinced only a _pure_ girl would've
done what I did," Ranma continued sullenly. "And those two
guys--Hiroshi and Daikuse--won't take no for an answer."
He growled in frustration. "I mean, why can't they under-
stand I'm not interested in--"
        "Airen!" a high-pitched voice squealed.
        Ranma stopped in his tracks, eyes widening as a
woman with long purplish-blue hair knocked him down.
        "Shampoo!" Akane and Ranma exclaimed in union.
        "Oh, Airen," the Chinese girl continued, kissing Ranma
all over as her speech converted from fluent Chinese to not-
quite-as-fluent-but-getting-there Japanese, "you came this
way all for me! I so happy!"
        "Sham . . . poo," Ranma managed, squirming. "Get off me!"
        "Aaaaah!" Akane screamed, doing the blue-aura thing.
"Get off my fiance, you bimbo!"
        Shampoo stopped kissing Ranma long enough to give
Akane a dirty look. "'Fiance' only in name, silly weak girl. If
you really liked Ranma, you not beat on him like deranged
hammer on nail!"
        Akane growled. "Why you--"
        "Whoa, whoa, girls, if you're gonna catfight, leave me
outta it," Ranma grumbled, taking advantage of Shampoo's
inattention and sliding out from under her.
        Shampoo pouted. "But Airen--"
        "And don't call me that. I ain't your 'beloved,'"
Ranma continued, brushing himself off. "I ain't marrying
you, or have you forgot that?"
        "Oh, Airen, you so silly." Shampoo cooed, poking him.
        "Look who's talking," Akane muttered.
        Shampoo stuck out her tongue at Akane.
        "You may be stronger than me, but I'll fight you any
time, Shampoo," Akane warned.
        "Uh, Akane, this ain't the time to get macho," the
Pig-Tailed Boy intervened, pushing her back from the sneering
Amazon. "Look, Shampoo, whaddaya want?"
        "Just wanted to see my Airen is all," the Amazon
answered, wearing her most kawaii smile."I just return to town
with Great-grandmother and miss you so much!" She slinked
up to Ranma like the half-cat she was and clutched his arm.
"Where you off to now? Nekohanten isn't open yet, but I
can make exception for you, Husband. You hungry?"
        "No, he isn't," Akane snapped. <Why doesn't this
girl ever quit?> "We're going home now. If you want a man,
go after Mousse!" She grabbed her fiance's arm.
        "Is Ranma's destiny to marry into Joketsuzoku
tribe!" exclaimed Shampoo stubbornly. "It is our law!"
        "Who cares about your stupid, outdated law?"
Akane shouted.
        "Uh, girls," Ranma said.
        Shampoo fumed, furious that this outsider female
dared speak against an ancient, revered tribal law.
She took a step forward, then paused, smiling craftily.
        "Is no matter if _you_ not care," Shampoo spat,
staring Akane full in the face. "Great-grandmother will
make sure _I_ get Ranma. So there!"
        "Oh, so Cologne no obasan's at it again, is she?
Forget it. Ranma's mine!"
        "No--mine!"
        "Would you two stop making me feel like a piece
of meat?" Ranma shrieked, grabbing Akane's arm. "Yo,
Shampoo, I'd really like to stay and chat and everything, but
the tomboy and me gotta go." He practically dragged the
fuming Akane away. "See ya!"
        "But Ranma--" Shampoo watched as the two hurried
away. Frowning, Shampoo huffed.
        <Whatever Great-grandmother is plotting, she'd better
hurry.> *Sigh*

        Inside the Nekohanten Cologne nodded. Now that the
boiling was complete, all she needed to do was pour the
contents into the bath. She glanced down at the unconscious
Mousse, whom she'd thwacked on the head for calling her a
"dried-up old monkey" for the umpteenth time.
        "You'll carry it in for me once you awaken," she
murmured to his "promised posed" form. "And once I carry out
this plan, the Joketsuzoku will have another strong man to
father Amazons!"
        She crossed her gnarled fingers. <Please, let this
work . . . .>

        "Pour this into the tub, Mousse," Cologne ordered.
        Grunting and mumbling, Mousse poured the honey-
colored liquid into the bath. "I still don't see what good this
stuff is gonna do you, old monkey."
        Cologne rapped him on the head with her staff, making
him drop the kettle.
        "How many times must you call me that?" she demanded.
"I swear, youngsters." She tested the water with her finger.
        Mousse, pulling an ice pack out of his sleeve, pouted.
"Maybe I wouldn't be so cranky, if you would just let _me_
marry Shampoo instead of Ranma. I mean, why's _he_ got to be
the one to get her, huh? Girls just keep throwing themselves
at him, and he just ignores them. Plus, he's a hentai, and--"
        *Splash!*
        Standing in Mousse's place was the soaking wet form of
Muu Muu-chan, the duck.
        "Quack, quack!" Muu Muu-chan fussed.
        "Well, at least I don't have to listen to you talk,"
Cologne said. She shook her finger at him. "You shouldn't
interfere in Amazon business. Now, waddle along, Muu Muu-
chan. You can't be in here while a lady is bathing. Shoo!"
With her staff she prodded the duck through the door,
Muu Muu-chan cursing in duck language all the way.
        <And now,> Cologne thought, walking toward the
bath, <we'll see if this works.>

        "Breakfast is ready!" Kasumi Tendou called, placing
the last dish on the table.
        As she expected, the cast came running. Genma,
in human form, reached the table first, drooling over its contents,
while the others managed to conduct themselves with dignity
and settle down.
        "Oh, everything looks so lovely," commented Nodoka
Saotome, setting down her wrapped katana.
        "Of course, it does. Kasumi's a wonderful cook,"
Souun said, smiling.
        They all began to eat, Ranma and Akane taking great
pains to sit as far away from each other as possible. No one
seemed to notice until Nodoka set down her chopsticks and
frowned.
        "Son, Daughter-in-law," she said, "what's wrong? You
two haven't said much this morning."
        As if on cue everyone turned to regard the seemingly
reluctant couple. Akane affected disinterest and continued
eating. Ranma yawned.
        "Ma, what's there to say?"
        "What's there to say?" Nodoka gasped. "Why, Son,
don't you have any plans for today? I know! Why don't
you take Akane out? You two don't go out as much as a
young couple should."
        Ranma fell over into his bowl of rice while Akane
started twitching.
        "Ma!" he groaned, struggling to rise. "How can you
say that? Why would I wanna go out with that kawaiikune
tomboy?"
        "That's 'kawaiikunai,'" Nodoka corrected.
        "Whatever! I ain't going nowhere with her. I got a
rep to live up to."
        "Do tell," Nabiki murmured, snickering.
        "Now, Son," his mother continued, ignoring (or just
oblivious to) Nabiki's comment, "you know that's not proper
behavior for a young man towards his intended." She glanced
sharply at Genma, who sat beside her, sweating. "As I recall
it was _your_ job to instill in our son a sense of husbandly
duties, was it not, Genma?" she asked sweetly.
        "Uh," Genma began. Then he burst into tears. "Oh,
Nodoka, you know I've done all I could with that heartless
boy!"
        "Shaddup, kuso oyaji," Ranma growled.
        "See how mean he is?" Genma continued, kowtowing
at Nodoka's side. "He never listens to a thing I say. My
fatherly wisdom is nothing to him!"
        <I could throw up,> Akane thought, rolling her eyes.
        "Oh, please, please, please, don't make me commit
seppuku!" begged Genma, gazing at his wife with huge,
tear-filled eyes.
        *Whap!*
        Everyone gasped as Nodoka took the flat end of her
katana and smacked her husband on the head.
        "Whining is highly unmanly, Genma," she replied
calmly, taking a lady-like sip of her drink.
        "Owwww," he mumbled from the floor.
        "Oh my," Kasumi gasped.
        "Wow," Nabiki added, impressed.
        Oblivious to the others, her expression never changing
from its usual calmness, Nodoka smiled.
        "It's all right, Genma. Your life is spared."
        Relieved, Genma sighed.
        "As long as Ranma agrees to take Akane out," she
finished with a kawaii grin.
        Everyone froze, gazes riveted on Ranma.
        "What? Why're you all staring at me?" he demanded.
        Akane cleared her throat. "Obasama, no offense,
but I'd rather not go anywhere with"--she made a face--
"him."
        "Nonsense, my dear," her future mother-in-law said
stubbornly. "My, you two are so difficult! It's time I put
my foot down." She whipped out her katana. "I'll make
reservations for you two at the Feng Shui Restaurant for
tonight at 8 p.m." Again she grinned. "It's a lovely place,
and the food is simply divine." She then rewrapped her
blade, signalling that no further discussion was either
needed or allowed.
        Ranma and Akane affected looks of defeat
and disgust.
        Souun laughed, trying to put everyone back at ease.
        "Well, now that _that's_ been settled--"
        "Nihao!" greeted a familiar voice.
        Ranma groaned. "Oh no . . . ."
        Before Kasumi could rise and open the door a rather
large hole formed in the wall. Natually Souun freaked out.
        "My wall!"
        "Shampoo," Akane muttered as the Chinese girl entered,
waving. "Can't you use the door?"
        Shampoo consigned her bonbori to bonborispace and made
a face at her. "Why bother with your door when I can make own?"
Ignoring Akane's dark look, the Amazon lifted her delivery
case and dashed to Ranma's side.
        "Here, Airen," she said, smiling sweetly and opening
the case, "I made dim sum just for you." She winked,
cuddling up to him. "Is even free of charge." <That
should interest him. *mischievous mental laugh*>.
        "Um," Ranma looked uncertain.
        Souun started glowing. "Ranma," he growled, "did you
ask Shampoo to bring you breakfast when Kasumi had already
worked hard to cook this meal?"
        Gulping, Ranma raised his hands defensively. "Hey,
wait, Ojisan--"
        "Wife is only doing duty--feeding her husband,"
Shampoo replied reasonably. "Is just as well, since"--she
gave Akane a sly look -- "fiancee-in-name-only cannot cook,
and if could, would just poison Husband!"
        Akane snapped her chopsticks in two.
        "Excuse me, young lady," Nodoka interrupted sweetly.
"Shampoo, is it? I understand you claim to have some hold
over my son--"
        Shampoo hugged Ranma, making him *eep.* "I do," she
replied, confident. "Law of Joketsuzoku backs me up."
        "I see." Nodoka glared at Genma.
        "It's not my doing," he protested. "I swear!"
        "Genma--" The dreaded sound of an unsheathed katana
met his ears.
        "That Amazon law," a woman's voice announced, "will
back me up also!"
        The cast members exchanged glances. Before anyone
could speak, someone entered through the hole in the
wall--a tall, young woman with long, blue-black hair,
wearing a green robe far too small to cover her shapely
figure. In her hand she carried a wooden staff.
        Everyone gasped, Akane, Ranma, Shampoo, Souun,
and Genma the loudest, since the woman looked disturbingly
familiar.
        "Oh . . . my . . . god," whispered Ranma hoarsely.
        "Aiyaa," murmured Shampoo. <It couldn't be . . . >
        "That's right, Great-granddaughter," the now youthful
Cologne purred, chuckling. She oriented on Ranma, who looked
as though he were about to have a coronary. "And greetings
to you, Son-in-law. Or should I say . . . Husband?"
        "HUSBAND?" Otoko-Ranma shrieked.
        "You have no choice, Mukodono," Cologne called.
"You've managed to defeat me in the past. If you won't marry
Shampoo, then you'll have to marry me!"
        His hair standing on end, Ranma leaped to his feet.
"N-now wait just a damn minute, you old ghoul--"
        "Not so old now," commented Shampoo fearfully.
"Great-grandmother, what you do?"
        Souun also leaped to his feet. "Now see here,
Grandmother Cologne," he began.
        He made an *oof* sound as Cologne knocked him away and
approached Ranma, whom she looked dead in the eye. "And now,
Son-in--_Husband_ . . ." She raised her staff, then brought
it down--
        --to beat rapidly on Ranma's head. ("Ow!" *Smack* "Ow!"
*Smack* "Ow!" *Smack* . . . )
        "Well, look at that," Nabiki said. "She must _really_
be angry with him for not marrying Shampoo!"
        Akane blinked. "Grandmother Cologne, what are you--"
        Gritting her teeth as she beat him, Cologne blushed,
embarrassed. "Um . . .can you believe this?   I . . . forgot . . .
about . . . this . . ."
        "Oh dear," Kasumi murmured, wincing with each blow
that fell on Ranma's head, "she's imprinting."
        Akane blinked. "Imprinting? Like what that phoenix
Kunou-sempai had once did?" Her brow furrowed. "But . . .
why . . ." Leaping to her feet, Akane planted herself in front of
Shampoo, who stood helplessly by as her great-grandmother
beat Ranma's "promise posed" form into the floor. "Hey, can't
_you_ do something about this?"
        Shampoo spread her hands. "I cannot stop Great-
grandmother when she serious!"
        "Serious indeed!" Nodoka huffed, whipping out her
katana and looking appropriately alarmed. "She's trying to
kill my son! Young lady, what is the meaning of all this?"
        "Well . . ." Hastily Shampoo explained the events of
the day before. When she mentioned the phoenix-feather
potion, Akane scowled.
        "I'll bet that has something to do with her behavior,"
she said.
        "Ah!" Cologne exclaimed, having reached for the
tiny pill-shaped object hanging around her neck. Once she
popped the pill into her month, her beating slowed, then
finally stopped.
        Otoko-Ranma lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.
"Ohhhh," he moaned. "Why'd you do that, ghoul?"
        "Great-grandmother," Shampoo said, stepping
forward, "what means this? You shouldn't hurt my Airen!"
        "Sorry, granddaughter," Cologne replied, standing
defiantly over Ranma. She sighed. "You have to trust
me on this."   She glanced down at Ranma, who had sat
up, rubbing his head. "Come along, Son-in--Husband.
It's time to go."
        "What?!" everyone exclaimed.
        "Hey, wait a minute!" Ranma snapped, scooting
away. "Look, I don't care how young you are, ghoul--I ain't
going nowhere with you!"
        Brushing aside a long lock of hair, the young
Cologne chuckled.
        "As usual, Son-in--Husband, you don't know what
you're dealing with. This old gal's got plenty of
tricks." Before Ranma could retort, she leaped
forward--
        --and kissed him. On the lips.
        Shocked beyond belief, the entire cast crashed to
the floor.
        "Oh, the horror!" Souun shrieked, a river of
tears streaming down his face.
        "She k-ki-kiss--" Genma mumbled, twitching.
"Surely the poor boy will perish from shock!"
        "Stop it!" Cologne snapped at them, her hair
billowing up in her fury, making the two men retreat
into a corner.
        Meanwhile a less-than-thrilled Ranma had the most
shocked expression on his face. Then he slumped to the
floor in a deep sleep.
        "Fushichou Warrior Special Techinque: Flaming Lips
of Passion," Cologne intoned, smiling. "And now . . ."
        As the cast members watched, Cologne reached into
featherspace and pulled forth a large, reddish-gold
feather. She waved it in a circle, and a fireball shot
from it and engulfed her and the sleeping Ranma.
        "Phoenix Portal!"
        She and Ranma began fading into the light.
        "Airen!" Shampoo called.
        Akane gasped. "Wait! Wh-where are you taking him?"
        Cologne laughed.
        "Why do you care, Akane Tendou? _You_ don't love
him." Again she chuckled, and glanced towards her
great-granddaughter.
        "If you want him back, Shampoo, you know where
to come." Her image faded. "I'll be waiting."
        "But--" Akane's words were lost as Cologne and
Ranma disappeared into the light.
        Nodoka rose to her feet. "My son!"
        "That old lady's really desperate for a man, isn't
she?" an amused Nabiki quipped, sipping her tea.
        "This is terrible!" Souun cried. "Who knows what
she'll do to that poor boy."
        "Huh?" Suddenly Genma got a mental picture and
freaked out. Calmly Nodoka knocked some sense into him.
        "Now then," Nodoka continued, orienting on Shampoo.
"Shampoo, where has your grandmother taken my son?"
        "Well . . . " the young Amazon replied. "Not
to Nekohanten--too obvious.   She goes to special place in
woods where we spent all that time before."
        Nodoka nodded. "Then, my dear, that's where
you'll take Akane."
        Akane's eyes widened. "What? Me?"
        "What you talking?" Shampoo piped in. "Is _I_ who
love Ranma. _I_ go for him!"
        "But Akane's his fiancee," Nodoka reminded her
gently. "_She_ should go." She sighed. "Usually I would
deem such a bold rescue attempt unladylike, but
then, Akane's _is_ rather, um--"
        Closing her eyes, Akane growled, "What--macho?"
        Nodoka cleared her throat. "Well, I didn't mean
to be quite so vulgar. How about . . . high-spirited?"
        "She means macho," Nabiki remarked drily.
        "So true," giggled Shampoo.
        "Anyway," Nodoka continued, "it's your duty as
Ranma's future wife to look out for him, so you should
go."
        Suddenly Akane found everyone staring expectantly
at her. She knew Nodoka was right. She and Ranma had
finally gotten to the point where they consciously
thought of themselves as a couple. Torn, she looked at
Shampoo, who eyed her disdainfully, and bit her lip.
        <Ranma,> she thought, <I want to come for you,
but . . . if I do, everyone will know how we really
feel about each other. And we promised not to let
them know . . .>
        "Humph. Why should I care?" Akane snapped,
turning on her heel. "He probably deserves it anyway." She
stomped out of the room so the cast missed the sad and
worried expression on her face.
        Shampoo watched her go and sniffed.
        "I expect as much from heartless, violent girl."
She drew herself up importantly. "No worry, everyone.
I go talk to Great-grandmother and rescue my Airen!"
The kawaii girl grinned. "And then Ranma be so happy
we marry!" Her large eyes clouded over as she fantasized
about how wonderful her wedding would be.
        Everyone else shook their heads while Genma and
Souun commenced sobbing.
        "Our doujou is doomed!"

        In her room Akane leaned against the door, deep in
thought.
        <Whew. That was close. If I'd stayed around any
longer, I might have cracked.> She tingled with ki. <That
old woman--I can't believe she'd do something like this! Is
it really _that_ important Shampoo--no, her tribe--have Ranma?
And she _kissed_ him! Poor Ranma . . . >
        For a brief moment she chuckled to herself. There
was a time when she would've wanted to kick herself for
being so concerned about Ranma Saotome, the most hot-
tempered, battle-hardy, and tactless young man she'd ever met.
        But she knew he didn't mean to be like that (well,
at least on the tactless part), and she cared deeply
for him.
        <It'll probably hurt his masculine pride to have
me rescue him,> she thought, amused, <but I just can't
sit here and let that crafty old woman get away with this.>
She thought of Shampoo, and glowed ever brighter. <And
Shampoo--playing so innocent. I'll bet she's in on the whole
thing. A silly, weak girl, am I? I'll show her!>
        With new resolve she rushed to the window, then
paused. Cologne seemed to have become even more
powerful than before, thanks to another of her ancient
Chinese secrets, no doubt. If she were to have any chance at
all, she'd need to know what she would be dealing with.
        There was one person who _had_ to be able
to help.
        Firmly resolved, Akane prepared to visit
Toufuu-sensei's office.

Part II: An Unwilling Bride---Groom

        Somewhere in the outskirts of Tokyo in a wooded
area, Otoko-Ranma was coming to. He blinked as sensitive
human eyes met bright, unyielding sunlight.
         "Oh man, what happened?" he muttered, sitting
up. "First I got Shampoo all over me, and then the ghoul
shows up--"
        His body jerked. The ghoul! It was all coming back.
Hadn't she arrived at the doujou, in her once-youthful
guise? How in hell had she managed _that?_ And hadn't
she--*gag*--kissed him?!
        "Don't know what she's playing at," Ranma
grumbled, "but she's not getting away with--" He trailed
off as he noticed his surroundings and leapt to his feet.
"Hey, what the--"
        He noticed he was hovering--inside a sphere of
flames which itself hovered over the largest tree trunk
he'd ever seen. His prison stood in the middle of a grove
of reddish-gold trees.
        He blinked.
        "Where in HELL am I?!"
        "In Phoenix Grove, of course."
        Ranma looked up to see the young Cologne
standing on a nearby tree branch, grinning smugly.
        "Yo, ghoul," he called, "what's all this?"
        "I told you, you're in Phoenix Grove, Bride-
groom," she answered, caressing her staff. "Lovely
place, isn't it?"
        "Lovely--_hell_," Ranma snapped.
        Cologne sniffed. "Still as firey as usual. You'll
make such a good husband."
        Growling, Ranma clenched his fist. "How many
times I gotta tell you--I am NOT--"
        Cologne dropped down into the sphere, interrupting
Ranma's tirade. He stared at her.
        "H-how . . . but it's made of--"
        "_I_ created the sphere, so I can get in and out
of it at will," the youthened Amazon replied crisply. "It's
_your_ prison, so naturally _you_ can't get out."
        "Oh yeah?" Ranma pushed back his sleeves. "We'll
see about that." He rushed the nearest side of the sphere--
        --and found himself getting fried to a crisp.
        Sighing, Cologne shoved his smoking form back.
        "I _told_ you, you fool, _you_ can't get out!" she
snapped. "And you needn't worry about anyone else coming
for you--only Shampoo and I know where this grove is."
        "Oh?" Ranma brushed some of the charred remains
of his shirt away. "I _knew_ this was another of your dumb
schemes. And besides"--he glared at her-- "I don't _need_
anyone to rescue me."
        "But my Shampoo will do so nonetheless," Cologne
purred.
        "Huh?"
        "Don't you see? I arranged all this so you could
see how worthy a wife Shampoo is for you." She toyed idly
with her staff. "If I know that great-granddaugher of mine,
she'll come for you. If she can manage to outwit a
Fushichou Warrior, then I'll gladly let her marry you."
        "Humph," Ranma snorted, head in his hands. "I
doubt Shampoo could win. You," he admitted grudgingly,
"are pretty tough in your normal guise. Guess being
a wrinkled old Amazon bat has some merits."
        *Smack!*
        "Ingrate!" Cologne snarled, baring fangs she
normally didn't have.
        "Geez, what'd you expect, ghoul?" Ranma countered,
rubbing his head. "I've been kidnapped! How happy you
expect me to be?!"
        Twitching, Cologne's eyes smouldered.
        "Joke all you want, Bridegroom, but remember this:
If Shampoo fails, then I"--she fluttered her eyes-- "will be your
bride. Forever."
        Ranma stared at her, not liking what she'd just said. "F-
forever?"
        "Well . . . at least throughout your natural life."
Smiling wickedly, Cologne continued. "You see, Groom,
the phoenix-feather potion I bathed in grants eternal youth and
incredible power. It certainly won't be easy for Shampoo
to beat me. However, if she does fail, you'll marry one of us."
She turned to go. "Think about that." And with that she leapt
out of the sphere, her laughter echoing throughout the forest.
        <Kuso,> Ranma swore. This was ridiculous. When
would people stop trying to control his life?
        <And what's even more stupid--the idea of me--Ranma
Saotome--being rescued! I gotta find some way outta here.>
He studied the sphere, and thought of Cologne. <But . . .
the ghoul's right about her new power. Shampoo ain't got
a chance. Damn.> He hung his head, and then one other
thought flickered through his mind.
        <It burns like hell to think this, but . . . Akane . . .
maybe . . . could you . . . >

        Leaving Dr. Toufuu's office, Akane studied
the contents of the pouch she carried and recalled
Dr. Toufuu's words.
        "This magic powder," he had told her, "has the
power to bend others' wills. Throw some on Cologne, and
her hold over Ranma will be broken."
        "But, Toufuu-sensei . . . how can doing _that_
help me win?"
        "Ah!" The young doctor winked at her. "Just
use your wits. Don't worry," he had added, noticing her
doubtful expression, "you can do it."
        <Toufuu-sensei was pretty confident,> she thought.
<Okay. How am I going to to this? Besides, I don't even
know where she's keeping him-->
        Suddenly she heard footsteps coming from the
street in front of her, and instinct told her to hold back.
        Sure enough, Shampoo dashed by.
        "Hey, it's her!" Akane whispered to herself.
"She knows where Ranma is. But there's no way she'd
ever help me." She sighed, feeling defeated, then cocked
her head, wondering.
        "Hmm. She seems to be going in the direction
of the Nekohanten. Maybe . . ."
        She dashed off in that direction.

        Back at the Nekohanten Shampoo burst through
the front door, startling Muu Muu-chan, who'd (as Mousse)
quite conveniently tripped into a puddle of mop water.
        "Quack! Quack!" the boy-turned-duck said,
waddling after her.
        "Go away, Mousse!" Shampoo snapped in Chinese,
booting him away. "I have to think! Great-grandmother is
holding my Airen prisoner, and I must think of a way to
outwit her. It won't be easy," she muttered, plopping
down into a nearby chair. "She is a very strong and
crafty Amazon, and as a Fushichou Warrior--"
        The creaking of the front door interrupted her, and
someone walked in.
        "You!" Angrily Shampoo leaped to her feet. "Akane
Tendou," she snapped, reverting to Japanese, "why _you_
here? Nekohanten closed!"
        Trembling, Akane took a deep breath. "I--I know,"
she said. "I just came by to--to--"
        Shampoo tapped her foot. "I not have all day,
weakling." Her lip curled in disgust. Why did this girl always
interfere with her pursuit of Ranma? Didn't she have
something better to do?
        Akane frowned, but keep her anger in check. "I just
came by to"--she held out the bag of powder-- "to give
you this."
        Shampoo's large eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Oh? And what that?"
        Gulping, trying to remain calm, Akane tossed the bag
at her. "It's something I got from Toufuu-sensei," she said,
watching the Amazon study the bag's contents. "If you can
throw some of that on your grandmother, she'll be weakened
enough for you to help Ranma."
        "What?" Shampoo sniffed. "You lie! Why
you help me? Always you try keeping my Airen from me."
        "I told you--I don't care who ends up with him!"
Akane yelled back, turning her head and scowling. <Let's see.
Mousse is still unconscious over there by the wall, I don't
see Shampoo's father anywhere, and there's a half-full
bucket of water by me-->
        Confused, the Amazon's eyes made that squelchy
noise as she blinked. "So . . . you want _I_ should rescue
him then?"
        "Hah!" Akane snorted, yanking down the nearest
drape and tearing one end of it to shreds. "Go right ahead!
Marry the stupid, sex-changing jerk if you want. I just
want you to know that I despise him. So go on." She
waved her away. "Go get your husband."
        "Huh?" Now Shampoo didn't know what to
think. True, she'd always thought Ranma and Akane didn't
care for each other, and that Akane's interference was
just a nuisance act, but for the most stubborn girl in Japan
to give up suddenly like this--
        <Maybe she's _finally_ coming to her senses!> the
Amazon thought happily. <Maybe she's finally tiring of this
stupid game of hers. It's _about_ time!> "Aiyaa! Now I will finally
have my groom!" she squealed, dashing towards the door. "I
go now."
        "Yes--you do that," Akane said, reaching for
the bucket, and with all her might--
        *Splash!*
        Now Neko-Shampoo stood where the young Amazon
had. As she shook the water from her fur, Akane leaped on her,
covering her from the neck down with the drape.
        Human and Amazon-turned-cat struggled for a few
seconds. But the cat's form proved too weak to handle the
determined human.
        <What _is_ this?> Neko-Shampoo's thoughts
screamed. <How can this be . . . *sniff*>
        The cat's thoughts were soundly interrupted as
Akane managed to fling a fistful of the powder into her
furry face. Seconds later a dreamy look fell over the cat's face.
        <Oh . . . > Neko-Shampoo thought, feeling a little
light-headed. <I feel so . . . strange . . . >
        "Ah--it worked!" Akane breathed, ignoring her
stinging scratches. "So it _does_ work on other creatures as
well. Now"--she picked up the cat, holding her at eye-level.
"OK, Shampoo, you know where Cologne's keeping
Ranma, ne?"
        Firmly under the powder's influence, Neko-Shampoo
mewed and nodded.
        "Good." Akane's battle aura flared up. <Just you
wait, Ranma. I'm coming!>

        "It's no use," Kasumi said as she came back into
living room. "Akane's locked her door, and she won't even
speak to me." She sighed. "I'm really starting to think she
doesn't care at all."
        "How dreadful," Nodoka commented, shaking her
head.
        "Indeed," Souun added, wiping away a stream of tears.
"All is lost."
        "Hey, if you're all that worried," Nabiki said, "why
don't one of _you_ go after him?"
        <What! Impossible!> Genma-Panda signed as he
stumbled into the room. <That old bag will kill us!>
        "Or _kiss_ us," Souun added.
        Everyone crashed to the floor at the thought.
        "I guess we'll have to hope Ranma can free
himself," Kasumi said, managing to rise.
        Everyone grunted agreement.

Part III: Akane Versus the Legendary . . . Amazon

        It was nearly noon, and Cologne was getting
impatient.
        "Now where is that granddaughter of mine?"
she wondered aloud, peering about the grove from the
top of a tree branch. "She should've been here hours
ago. If she doesn't hurry"--she gazed in the direction
of Ranma's prison-- "Son-in--Husband--will
burn himself to a crisp."
        "It'll be . . . better than . . . staying here with
. . you," Ranma muttered, having tried to break out
for the the umpteenth time. He crawled aside on
the imaginary floor, wracking his brain.
        <Man, this is stupid. What kinda power
does she have?> He sullenly rested his chin in his
hands. <Even if Shampoo _did_ manage to one-up the
ghoul, how can I show my face, knowing a girl rescued
me?> He sighed.
        Then got an idea.
        "Yo, ghoul," he called
        Cologne rolled her eyes. "What now, Mukodono?"
        "Hey, can I have some water or what? You've
got no idea how hot it is in here."
        "Water? Oh, all right." Cologne disappeared for
a moment, then returned with a gourd full of water.
        "Here," she said, offering it to him.
        "Thanks," he said, accepting it. He took a
sip.
        After a pause Cologne sighed and turned aside.
"Groom. . . I have a confession to make. I've always. . .
had a soft spot for you. I always did like handsome
young men." Blushing, she giggled. "And you know . . .
Shampoo might _not_ have a chance. Even so, our tribe
needs someone like you. And now that I have this body . . ."
Clenching her fist, she decided she couldn't hold back any
longer. "Oh, Groom, I promise I'll be a good wife!" So
saying, she threw herself into his arms.
        "Um," Ranma began, "technically . . . wouldn't
_I_ be a wife, too?"
        "What?" Cologne opened her eyes--and found
herself hugging a somewhat damp Onna-Ranma.
        "Aaaaaaah!" she screamed.
        "Gee, ghoul," the red-head said with a mischievous
glint in her eyes, "didn't know you were like . . . that. Man,
chicks really _are_ affectionate, ain't they?"
        "Wha--" Cologne sputtered. "When--why did
you--"
        "Geez, ghoul, think about it. You think I'll let some
girl come after _me_ as a _guy?_"
        Suddenly Cologne was feeling very steamed.
        "Go right ahead--have your fun," the youthened
Amazon sneered through her teeth, "but somehow you
_will_ return to China with me--"
        "Ranma's not going ANYWHERE with you,
Grandmother Cologne!" a defiant voice shouted.
        Both Ranma and Cologne jerked, startled.
        <Hey,> Ranma thought, <that sounded like-->
        "No! It can't be," Cologne whispered, leaping
from the sphere. She gasped as she spied a bedraggled
Akane Tendou emerging from the bushes.
        "You! How did you--"
        "--get here?" Akane finished, panting. "Believe it
or not, Shampoo did me a little favor." She smirked. "She
led me right to you!"
        "No way!" Onna-Ranma murmured.
        "No . . . " Cologne muttered, caught off guard for
once. Her great-granddaughter . . . helping Akane Tendou?!
Impossible! But . . . there couldn't have been any other
way for Akane to find this grove, unless . . .
        Cologne's eyes narrowed as she settled down to
the ground. "Shampoo would do no such thing," she said.
"So that leaves only one other person--that meddlesome
doctor, Toufuu Ono." She frowned. It seemed that chiropractor
knew more about the ancient secrets of China than he should.
How dare he interfere!
        She studied the young woman. "So . . . you have
come to challenge me?"
        Akane looked her straight in the eye. "Exactly."
        "Aka--ne!" Ranma hissed, irritated. <Oh, great.
Not only will she risk getting herself killed, but she'll clue
the ghoul in to what's between us now. *sigh* Baka,
baka . . .>
        Returning the young woman's gaze, Cologne snorted.
"You do realize, my dear, that once my Shampoo arrives, you
won't have a chance."
        Akane suddenly gave a nervous laugh. "I--doubt
Shampoo will make it here anytime soon." <Especially since
I ordered her to take a nice little nap by the stream.> Praying
Cologne wouldn't notice the pouch filled with the magic
powder, Akane continued. "Anyway, you may as well
fight me instead."
        Ranma froze, tense. "Akane, you idiot--"
        Cologne blinked. What _was_ this? Why all of
a sudden did this girl--who claimed she wanted nothing to do
with Ranma--want to fight for him? It made no sense! After
all the times she'd twacked him, insulted him, and sent him
flying into orbit, she dared challenge her for him?
        <It must be a ruse,> Cologne mused. <And yet . . .>
This time the youthened Amazon looked at the young woman--
really looked--
        There was something about Akane that unnerved
her.
        "Hah!" Amused, Cologne floated away. "If this
_is_ a game, I suppose I'll have to show you what you're
playing with." Reaching into featherspace, she whipped
out a handful of the reddish-gold feathers.
        Akane tensed.
        So did Ranma. <Damn. I gotta get out of here . . .>
        "Prepare yourself!" Cologne raised her hand.
        "Pyro Darts!"
        "Aaah!" Akane shrieked, tumbling out of the way as
a dozen feathers struck the earth in front of her, exploding like
firecrackers.
        "And how about this?" Swooping around in an arch,
Cologne pursed her lips. "Flaming Kiss!" She made a smooching
noise at Akane--causing a stream of flames to shoot out at her
adversary.
        "Akane!" Ranma yelled, watching her recoil from
the heat and stumble to the ground. "Stupid woman! Get
outta the way!"
        "What?" Akane glanced up for a moment to glare at
her fiance. "Stay out of this, Ranma! This is _my_ fight,
okay?"
        "Yeah?" Ranma snorted. "Well, you're gonna get
fried, you macho girl."
        "Oh? And I suppose _you_ can do better? I don't
see _you_ outside that fireball!"
        "Just take your butt home, and let me handle this
myself--"
        "Ungrateful jerk! I came all the way out here, and--"
        Cologne took a deep breath.
        "STOP ARGUING IN THE MIDDLE OF A DUEL!"
        The force of her outburst not only blew Akane's
short hair back but also disturbed the flames encircling
Ranma and the surrounding trees for a moment.
        "I'm ending this little distraction now," Cologne
huffed determined. "Fushichou Warrior Final Attack: Stinging
Bird's Claw!"
        From eggspace Cologne produced a handful of small red
eggs. Flicking her wrist, she threw them at Akane.
        Akane gasped as the eggs exploded into throwing stars
which pinned her against the nearest tree. The force of the
impact made Akane groan.
        Satisfied, Cologne settled back down to the ground.
"Now, young lady," she purred, "do you still intend to distract
me? You don't love him, so stop trying to keep him from someone
who does. It would be _so_ much easier." <Surely now,> she
thought, <she'll realize her folly . . .>
        Meanwhile, Onna-Ranma's battle aura was flaring up.
She'd had quite enough.
        <To hell with this!> "Ghoul," she warned, "you'd
better not hurt her!"
        Both Cologne and Akane gasped, and turned toward
the sphere. Neither could see that well through the flames,
but they knew Ranma Saotome was _furious._
        Cologne peered fixedly at the sphere. "Wh-what?
Don't be silly, Son-in-law! I only intend to make this
nuisance go away."
        "Doesn't matter, ghoul." Ranma peered at her
through narrowed eyes. "Leave her alone."
        While Cologne was distracted, Akane tried reaching
for her pouch . . . .
        Meanwhile, Cologne was shaking her head. What
had come over him? "Be reasonable, Groom. Why are you
pretending to care? After all the times you've called her
ugly, violent, and macho--"
        "Hey! _Nobody_ calls her that but me. Got it?"
        <That's it, Ranma,> Akane thought, squirming. <Almost
got . . . it . . . >
        "Nobody--" Now Cologne was completely confused.
This couldn't be the same young man she'd known in the past.
        What had come over him?
        "I--" Completely at a loss, Cologne's mind stumbled
over the implications she'd just picked up.
        This distraction proved enough for Akane.
        "Grandmother Cologne," croaked a voice
behind her.
        Her irritation resurfacing, the youthened Amazon
turned around. "Yes?"
        Holding a fistful of powder in her free hand, Akane
blew the stuff in Cologne's face.

Somewhere in the woods a rather steamed white and
pink cat mewed furiously, blinking as it woke from its sleep.
Hissing and spitting, it wondered where it could find some
hot water . . . .

        Sneezing and coughing, Cologne dropped her staff,
not believing what had just happened.
        "What . . . what did you--"
        Ranma's eyes were as wide as saucers as she witnessed
all this. "Damn, Akane, what did you do?"
        "Never mind that," Akane panted. "All right, old woman,
would you please get the rest of these things off me?"
        Dazed, and having no other choice but to comply,
Cologne waved her hand. The throwing stars fell off.
        Sighing with relief, Akane pulled her aching body
from the tree. "Now then," she contined with a kawaii grin,
"how about getting my fiance down, huh?"
        <She's calling him her fiance?!> Again she raised
her hand. Moments later the sphere vanished. Ranma hung
in the air a second before crashing down with a solid *thud.*
        Gasping, Akane ran up to her. "Ranma, are you
okay?"
        "Oh, owww," her fiance groaned, spitting splinters.
"You coulda made her lower me a lot more softly, you
know."
        Akane frowned. "Well, excuse me! At least you're
out of that thing."
        "Yeah, yeah, whatever." She glanced back at Cologne,
who was still sitting with a spaced-out expression on her face.
"OK, I gotta know. How in hell did you--"
        Sighing, Akane raised her hand. "I'll tell you later."
She strode purposely toward Cologne. "I have one more little
favor to ask, Grandmother Cologne . . . ."
        Ranma watched as Akane whispered something else
in the Amazon's ear, and then followed up by dousing her
in the rest of the powder. Osage-no-onna scratched her head.
        "There!" Akane said, satisfied. "We shouldn't have
to worry about her kidnapping you again." She eyed Ranma
askance. "Funny. Weren't you _male_ the last time I saw
you?"
         Ranma rolled her eyes. "Last I heard, it's OK for girls
to rescue girls. 'Nuff said."
        "Right. I hope you're in shape for our date tonight."
        "Oh shit! Forgot about that."
        Akane frowned. "Oh, so you don't want to take me
out? Is that it?"
        <They're DATING now?> Cologne's thoughts screamed.
        "I didn't say that!" Ranma snapped.
        "But you meant it, didn't you?"
        Helplessly Cologne watched them leave the grove.

        Minutes later a damp Shampoo bounded into the
grove to see her great-grandmother sitting on the ground.
        "Great-grandmother!" she called, screeching to
a halt. "What happened? Where my Airen?" she asked,
so flustered she didn't switch back to Chinese.
        "Gone." Bitterly Cologne related all that had
happened. When she finished, Shampoo sank down beside
her, equally shocked.
        "Aiyaa," she murmured. "Who could have known
weak girl like Akane have power to defeat
you, Great-grandmother." <Hmm,> she thought, <perhaps
Akane is stronger and more cunning than I thought . . . >
        Recoiling from the shock, Shampoo looked at her
grandmother. "Uh, Great-grandmother . . . how long you
stay like that?" She indicated Cologne's form.
        "Thanks to Akane Tendou, not long," she grumbled.
"The potion I used is only temporary unless I bath in it
again for three consecutive nights. Thanks to that powder
she doused me with, I've forgotten where to locate more
of the phoenix feathers." She sighed. "Oh well. I tried. I must
be getting old indeed. Who could've known that head-
strong young girl was so clever"--she paused--"and able
to win Son-in-law's heart."
        "WHAT?" Now Shampoo's battle aura was flaring
up. "What you talking, Great-grandmother?!"
        "Calm down, Shampoo!" Cologne snapped in
Chinese. "Don't worry," she said, patting her granddaugther
on the arm. "I'll explain. This old gal"--she smiled craftily--
"hasn't given up yet."

THE END (Pul-lease! :)

Author's Note: *evil laughter* Oh, my, my, my! What
has happened here? It certainly seems Cologne and
Shampoo aren't finished with our indestructible pair yet,
does it? Those two are up to something . . .

My next installment is "Red Haze: Back in Phase" and
includes two new characters of my own creation: Lovestruck
Ni Hai and the glamourous Paa Fuum. Watch for it!

Adios, adios! :)

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